srsbusiness

A reader asks,
“- this is actually about you and your wife. I was wondering how you two met; it’s kind of.. hmm, unconventional to get married after such a short time, and I’m kind of close to facing the same issues. So mostly about the opposition, as well. I wasn’t sure if you wanted it asked on your blog, or if you want to tell me (I fully understand if not), but I am curious nonetheless!”

You guys may remember that in the recent Goodies post I mentioned my wife and I had been married five years, and that we had only known each other for a month when we got married. Well, here’s the story…

A Little Backstory
To tell you how I met my wife I have to go back to just before I met her. Once upon a time I had female issues – I’ve got scars, both literally and figuratively. Before I met my wife I was involved with this Chinese woman off and on for about two years, I loved her. Things went well, for a while. But… she was crazy, and I mean batshit crazy. Being with her was probably a bit like living in Poland at the end of the 30s. There were little changes at first, but by the end of the relationship I had found myself “eased” into a really bad situation. Turns out she had a daughter and a husband (though they were separated) and neither had custody of the child. She hadn’t had a job in five years by the time I met her, she just let her estranged husband pay all of her bills. She was needy, but at the same time dismissive. In the end, I came to realize that she didn’t love me, in all likelihood she’d never really love anyone. At the same time, she couldn’t just tell me to go away – because I was the only person who ever made her feel good or cared about her.

The Wedding
I returned to Arkansas because of a wedding, my best friend (John) was getting married to my cousin (Heather). And since I had introduced the two of them, I felt obliged to attend – come hell or high water I was going to be there. By this point my friends had been trying to divert me from the obvious disaster that was my love life with little success. I found that my relationships with several friends became pretty strained as a result, it went so far as me turning down “a sure thing” with “backdoor options” because I wanted to remain faithful to this nebulous woman who just didn’t feel the same way.

Anyhow, as I made my way to the ceremony I was quickly reunited with several old friends I hadn’t seen in some time. Michael and his wife, both of whom I attended high school with. Mike’s younger brother and his wife. John of course, Colby and others. It was a good time, most of these people I had barely talked to in at least a year since my wanderer lifestyle kept me incommunicado at the best of times. So we all grouped up, the wives gossiped at their end of the room while the men took our spot elsewhere. The bridesmaids made their appearance, and of course it began – Michael had his eye on the blonde. Thomas (Mike’s younger brother) on the brunette. Myself, I was taken back for the first time since having gotten entangled with my Chinese torturer. She was short and quite young, I wasn’t sure if she was a friend of the bride’s (also young, but obviously “of age”) or if she was someone’s younger relative.

I gave myself 50:50 odds…

It was a beautiful ceremony, and of course I spent my time with the newlywed groom. There were smiles and grunts of approval as you might imagine. It took a while to get a word in with my cousin to ask about the diminutive blond that had caught my eye. I tried to keep my inquiries under the radar, but the second I asked “So, Heather that girl… the short one, yeah. Two questions, is she legal and is she single?” Heather’s eyes grew wide and she squealed in the affirmative. Unfortunately, the target of my interest had already left. And so, after helping with the kids and cleaning up the place I congratulated the couple again and took my leave.

Suddenly Everything Has Changed
At this point I had resigned myself to the notion that I’d probably never see this woman again, I’d missed my chance because I was worried about a little thing like statutory laws. But something had changed in me, and I knew it then. It was like waking up from a bad dream, the part of me that had once fallen in love was awake also the reasoning center of my brain seemed to be functioning again…

The Chinese woman had been in a very morose funk for some time, and had just suddenly gone all cheery. Her mania was going to a fever pitch of joy! joy! joy! when I told her I wouldn’t be around for a while, I had some things to deal with. She was concerned and noticeably sad, but said she understood. So I avoided her for a few days – I was beginning to realize how fucked up our relationship really was, and more and more I was understanding that I had to just get away from this woman before she buried me in her shit again.

One day I wrote her for the last time, an eMail that ended with the words, “…you’re the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I love you still. But I will never speak to you again.” It was the time of no more apologies. And as I hit send on the last words I’d ever say to this woman who’d been such a big part of my life for so long, I could feel nothing but overwhelming relief…

I could have skipped to Colby’s place, I went to meet with him, the newlyweds, and a couple of other people. We talked, played D&D and generally enjoyed each others company. I made little of it initially, but my cousin disappeared shortly after I arrived. She returned as I finished tellin’ the boys what happened with the Chinese woman. A few minutes later there was a knock at the door, and in walked the very same woman I’d gone sideways for at the wedding. She was dressed a bit differently of course, but there was that smile and those eyes… the same ones that knocked me around before had me pinned to the spot now.

Her name was Brandy, she was five years my junior (which made her twenty at the time we met). She had just gotten back to town herself after a two year stint at a university, she’d come home to be nearer her mother and grandmother. She was at ease with us, and we with her. The only real problem was my cell phone, I had the thing tucked in my shirt pocket and John kept texting me every 5 seconds to ask me what I thought of her. And dumb me, I still didn’t get what was going on. In retrospect I should have, and maybe would have if John had left me alone long enough to work it out. She left before I did, and my cousin walked her out to the car. When she came back, Heather said to me, “I got her number for you since you’re too chicken shit to do it yourself.” She’d spoken to Brandy, told her I liked her and that I’d want to talk to her and maybe go out sometime.

Brandy ended up calling me, I thought she was a telemarketer (I didn’t know her voice yet) so I pretended to be my friend Danny, when I realized who it was though I quickly dropped the charade. We talked for hours, and it became a nightly thing. We set up a date a week later.

The Date and Getting Married
I met her at Noon, the plan was to go see a movie (Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith) and grab a bite to eat. Twelve hours later (yes you read that right) I took her home. We’d eaten twice, had coffee, watched the movie and ended up sitting by the river in the amphitheater talking. In probably the most unromantic move ever I laid it all out for her, a long list of bad exes left me in a no nonsense disposition when it came to relationships. I told her this was what I was looking for, this is what I wanted/expected from a relationship. And if that was cool with her we could give it a shot.

I was in luck, apparently she hadn’t had the best run of exes either and she liked my directness. About a week later I and my friend Danny (the one I pretended to be the first time she called) went to her place, my intention was simply to have Danny meet her. She decided to call into work so she could hang out with me, which was good because I had plans. We headed for the club Danny was opening (Heshers), I’d been helping with painting and some handiwork inside. By this time the place was just about ready to open. We got inside just in time to beat the rain, I had my laptop with me so we watched a movie – American Psycho (one of my favorites). The rain hadn’t let up by the time we left, as we went to the house I was a bit preoccupied.

In the driveway, I told her I wanted to talk to her. I then realized that I was missing something, a mad dash across town and I was back in the club looking for that something with no luck. I called Danny, apparently I’d left it in my other pants when changing. So back again, I came back outside with the object of my distraction. I explained to Brandy that I’d been given this wedding band by my mother after she divorced my biological father. It was white gold, and she’d told me to keep it and give it to the woman I wanted to marry. And now I was giving it to Brandy. Brandy cried and said “yes” she then told me she was afraid I was going to break up with her since I’d been acting so weird.

We talked about moving in together, getting an apartment in the city. Which we did about a week later, we also told our parents. Mine were overjoyed to find out I wasn’t gay. I’d never brought a girl home because, frankly you don’t bring crazy people or sluts home to meet mama. Her mother and grandmother however were apprehensive, they had both had bad history with men. But they didn’t try to stop us either. The original plan was to have a nice wedding planned out with all the trimmings, however my mother (who had offered to pay for the wedding) had what I’d call a mid life crysis. The day Brandy picked up her wedding dress my mother told me that she and my dad were splitting up and that the big wedding just wasn’t going to happen.

I was pissed at her, still am actually. It was difficult to deal with on a couple of levels.

On the Fourth of July we were visiting a friend of Brandys, as we left I said to her, “So when do you want to get married?” she said she didn’t really care what was important to her was that it happen. So, I said “How bout Friday?” we were married by the Justice of the Peace. Our parents were the only witnesses. We had a small get together in our apartment afterward with the few friends that could make it on short notice. I found that my friends were somewhat incredulous about the whole thing, in particular those that had been closest to me during the whole situation with my ex. It didn’t take long for everyone to warm up to Brandy though.

As I’ve said before – I lucked out. I had to fight my way through a forest of bad relationships, but in the end I found a good woman who’s been there for me every day since we met. It was a whirlwind romance to be sure, but you have to understand also that it just felt natural from the beginning. And I can honestly say after five years of marriage I’m glad we didn’t wait.

And so I leave you with our song…