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I’ve played Dungeons and Dragons for years, I’ve never played the healer. It’s a shitty, thankless job. And no one (really) wants to do it. So, I’ve assembled a celebrity dream team for a game of Dungeons and Dragons, who would I choose for the group I’d play bitch for?
THE ROGUE
Curtis Armstrong – Better Known as Booger from Revenge of the Nerds. This is going to be a somewhat controversial choice I think, for starters he’s definitely the oldest member of the team. That alone would suggest he should probably be running this thing, but frankly I think every member on this team is capable of running a fun game, so what I’ve tried to do is work out where each guy would fit best. Much like Ed O’neil from Married with Children, seeing Armstrong’s face creates an image of the man in our heads, we see him – we see his most recognized roll – Booger.
We need a rogue, a scoundrel who can do things (things in legal grey areas) that most of us wouldn’t know about. Booger fits that description pretty well, he’s the kinda guy you’d go to if you needed some illicit substance or something. If he doesn’t know how to deal with the situation himself, he knows a guy. He’s just slimey enough to get your dirty deeds done, but he’s also dependable and makes the rest of us look a little better by comparison…
THE WIZARD
Patton Oswalt – You know him as the voice of Remy from Ratatouille (and a shit load of comedic work as a stand up and actor). Interestingly, Oswalt wrote Ratatouille as well as starring. Patton has had a successful career as both a writer and performer, so again a definite candidate for DM. Seeing his character Boozhammer of Galen on Reno 911 supports that even further, but I think of the bunch he’d be the best spell caster. You need somebody to summon the dark forces and blow the holy hell out of the other guys, I trust Patton to do the right thing here. In fact, it almost feels like cheating to list Oswalt here at all. He’s got such a huge background as a “nerd” comic and has definitely portrayed the gamer before, either way – he’s in.
Oswalt gets bonus points for baring a resemblance to a weekend gamer buddy of mine, not identical by any means but they look like they could be related. Further, after hearing his stand up and seeing him in a few documentaries I feel absolutely confident that Patton would not only be down for some D&D but would be ready to go as soon as you told him which rule set we were using, not unlike the next member of our party…
THE BARBARIAN
Brian Posehn – you know him as the weird guy from Just Shoot Me. Again, this almost feels like cheating. Brian Poshen is an obvious choice, and considering the cover art of his CD Fart & Weiner Jokes (link), he’s going to be a Barbarian. If you’ve seen the Comedians of Comedy documentary you’ll know that Brian and Patton are comic book nerds, from their routines it’s pretty obvious they’ve played a game or two of D&D which makes them both perfect choices.
The only concern I would have about this guy is he seems like he might be a little shy until he gets to know everyone. That would be one of the biggest advantages of having Oswalt in the group too, they already know each other so coming out of the shell would hopefully be a little easier. Either way, once the dice get rolling I’m sure he’d warm up to the group…
THE PALADIN
H Jon Benjamin – you know him as the unmistakable voice of Archer (and a bunch of other hillarious characters). The group needs a diplomat, somebody that can speak for the group and smooth relations for us. He’s the PR man, making the rest of the group look better by association “Oh, they’re with him – they must be the good guys then”. And who better than mr audible chocolate himself?
Of everyone on this list, Benjamin is the one that I’m not sure has ever played Dungeons and Dragons. Of course, if he hasn’t that’s not a deal breaker by any means. Everybody has to start sometime right? Still, of everyone I’d feel worst about dragging him into this. I think I could get over it.
So, it’s either Paladin or Bard for Jon, and I don’t think any of us want to hear him sing. But we do want to hear him dispense justice to a warren of Goblins, or broker peace with the Dwarves…
THE DUNGEON MASTER
Danny McBride – You know him from Eastbound and Down, Pineapple Express, etc. What you might not know is that he’s also a solid writer, but not just comedy. He wrote Underworld, yeah the movie that poured Kate Beckinsale in a black body suit and gave her pistols with which to kill werewolves. Of course, he also wrote and starred in Your Highness, which is either a good or bad thing depending on who you ask. He’s a funny guy, and a perfect writer for our purposes.
The thing that sets this guy ahead of the others in terms of who gets to be DM? I know he can write for serious action adventure (Underworld) to goofball adventure with dick and fart jokes (Your Highness). And that’s exactly what a group like this needs, balance.
Additionally, I have a feeling this guy could manage the Kenny Powers level of management skills necessary to keep a group like this both on track and fun…
You may have noticed that all of the people here are comedians or comedic actors, over half have a solid writing background too. This is the kind of gaming group I like: smart, funny motherfuckers that are ready to get their game on. What would we play? Who knows, but I’m sure the Book of Vile Darkness would be involved somehow. With all of the “Dancing with the Stars” type of television shows these days, it’s not too far out to think of Celebrity D&D is it? Is it?! A boy can dream…
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